That Girl Site

Khloe Kardashian is now considered a receptacle for advice on drinking and driving after her three hour stint in jail. I’d say that qualifies her to dish out horribly vapid pearls of wisdom for recently arrested Shia LaBeouf which, oh, hey, that’s exactly what she did. Fantastic! Us Magazine reports:

“Just be smarter,” she told Usmagazine.com at the Annual Style L.A. Runway show benefitting the Facial Paralysis Foundation & Stop the Violence/Face the Music benefit.
“Think about your actions and get a driver!” the 24-year-old counseled. “It’s so much cheaper in the long run!”

“So much cheaper.” Interesting. How about, I dunno, nobody gets fucking killed? I mean, I guess that’s as important as saving a couple bucks. Then again, I don’t spend the majority of each day in a mansion with my sister trying to block the sun with our asses, so I could be wrong.

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Bad news everybody: Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong have broken up. Who saw that coming? Besides Kate Hudson and her unwavering love of new penis. It turns out the two couldn’t stop arguing and finally decided to throw in the towel, according to Page Six:

Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio for his Livestrong Summit, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said. Another spy said the couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

It must be hard to have an argument with a guy who rides his bicycle in the kitchen while eating breakfast. Sure, you can yell all you want about him taking “that thing everywhere” including the bathroom, but he’s just gonna pop a wheelie in your face then go back to his Wheaties. Some might say I’m perpetuating a horrible stereotype that all cyclists are dicks, but until I see concrete data that suggests otherwise, I’m still throwing stray cats at them from my car window: “Quit blocking the lane! Aim true, Fluffy.” REOWW!

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Hayden Panettiere (seen here at Comic-Con over the weekend trying to keep her hands clean from dork debris) reportedly gave her boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia a striptease on the set of Heroes for his 31st birthday. Why must you forsake me, Lord? Australia News Limited reports:

A source said: “Hayden gave Milo an unforgettable birthday surprise by morphing from her bouncy cheerleader character in Heroes to a bump-and-grind striptease. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie. Milo’s face went bright red.”

You know how I know this isn’t true? Because I spent the past six hours crying under my desk which means IT NEVER HAPPENED. Nobody talk about this again. In fact - Hold on, I just got an e-mail from The Geekologie Writer:

“Hey, remember how you’re not Milo Ventimiglia and didn’t get a lap dance from Hayden Panettiere? I had those words tattooed on my forehead. Wings later?”

Nice. Real nice. Wait, here’s one from my mom:

“Honey, I just heard the news. Don’t worry, you’ll meet a nice girl soon who’ll do naughty dances for you. But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to lower your expectations a little. Do you remember that sweet girl who lived down the street and murdered her whole family? I hear she’s single! Smooches.”

Christ, who’s next? The president? *BEEP* Ah, shit…:

“I LIKE WEARING COWBOY HATS!”

Thanks to Tyler for the really great tip. It’s so great that I actually have one for you: I’m your biological father.

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Jamie Lynn Spears will wed Casey Aldridge, the father of baby Maddie Briann (open to debate), this fall and reportedly host the ceremony in her own backyard. Britney will be the maid of honor as part of her final test to prove she has the mental fortitude to not hump a cake. OK! Magazine reports:

“She loves everything about the area where she lives. She’s not going to get married at some luxury resort in the Caribbean or a hotel in Beverly Hills,” a friend of the bride-to-be tells OK!. “Her own backyard with just the people who matter most is more Jamie Lynn’s style.”
And with the wedding approaching quickly, Jamie Lynn is planning to look her best on the big day. “She’s already down to her pre-pregnancy weight,” says the friend. “She has the cutest figure!”

There’s nothing like seeing a young couple on their way to NRA membership and NASCAR-induced domestic violence. It’s like a Disney movie waiting to be made!

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These are shots of Leonardo DiCaprio’s on/off girlfriend model Bar Rafaeli. I don’t know what it says about a man who gets tired seeing a girl like this naked. Except I do and it says “Hey, I’m Leonardo DiCaprio and can get any woman I want with minimal to no effort.” Yeah, well, I can get any chick I want too. Provided she’s susceptible to hypnosis, a heavy drinker and “trying to pay her way through law school.”

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A recent Snickers commercial starring Mr. T that aired in the UK was pulled after complaints from the United States that the ad was offensive to homosexuals. It hadn’t even aired here in the States, but it featured Mr. T firing a Gatling gun full of Snickers at a speedwalker. The Human Rights Campaign surprisingly interpreted this as “homophobic” instead of “totally fucking awesome.” Mars, the maker of Snickers, caved, but not before basically insulting America’s lack of a sense of a humor. The Daily Mail reports:

A spokesman for Mars said: ‘This ad is the second in a series of UK Snickers ads featuring Mr T, which are meant to be fun and have been positively received in the UK.
‘However, we understand that humour is highly subjective, and it is never our intention to cause offence. Accordingly, we have pulled the Mr T speedwalker ad globally.’

I’m pretty liberal, and even I think this is some bull to the shit. First off, Mr. T mounting a machine gun on a pickup is as American as apple pie made with bald eagle crust. Second, the ad’s not homophobic. It simply warns people of all walks of life about the lameness of speedwalking while simultaneously promoting the firearm capabilities of chocolate-covered peanuts and nougat. In fact, I’m sure gay men will love it because, at the end, Mr. T professes his love of nuts.

UPDATE: Here’s a statement from T himself:
“Mr. T thinks everyone should put their penis wherever they want without discriminatory jibba-jibba and pities the fool who says otherwise. [Due to a hectic schedule forging confectionery-themed attack vehicles, Mr. T kindly requests you punch yourself in your own face then flex for emphasis.]”

Video after the jump.

Thanks to Craig who took a Mallomar to the hip back in Nam.

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Here’s Jessica Alba out and about yesterday rocking a chest that says “Yes, I did recently squeeze a tiny person out of my pelvis. Thank you for asking.” Which, honestly, almost made me consider Jessica Alba a captivating individual. Keyword being: Almost.

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Hey, remember this guy? Sam Lutfi a.k.a. Douchebeard McDrugYourDrinks. Well, it turns out the restraining order requiring him to stay 250 yards away from Britney Spears expires today. The order will not be renewed, but Britney’s lawyer issued the following public statement to Douchebeard letting him know what the fuck’s up. The AP reports:

“Britney has made clear to everyone that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama ‘Sam’ Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future,” Spears’ attorney Samuel D. Ingham III said in a statement to The Associated Press.
“During the temporary conservatorship, the conservators have the power to insure that Lutfi will not harm Britney anymore. If Mr. Lutfi makes any future attempt to contact Britney after the temporary conservatorship has concluded, Britney has made clear she will take all appropriate legal action.”

Did Britney really make it clear she’ll “take all appropriate legal action”? I doubt she knows what one of those words even mean. Here’s a more likely scenario: “If Mr. Lutfi attempts to contact Britney, Britney will take actions including, but not limited to, sticking a bucket of KFC over her head then running into a wall. Britney also reserves the right to say ‘Whoop whoop whoop whoop!’ prior to impact.”

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Kimberly Stewart seems to have acquired a taste for Sienna Miller’s old orifice pluggers — first Jude Law, and now Rhys Ifans. According to The Sun

The socialite spent last night cheering up Rhys Ifans, who was recently left broken hearted when Sienna dumped him for Balthazar Getty. They were careful to be pictured leaving top night spot Bungalow 8 separately, but sources say they were inseparable inside.

My mother once gave me a word of advice that I think applies here. She said, “Don’t ever eat where Sienna Miller shat.” Also, “You’d be better off stubbing out a cigar in your vagina.” Remember, burns will heal, but herpes is forever!

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Finally, a celebrity face to go with the term “kookoo bananas.” (Holy Moly!)

Joanna Krupa has a serious set of, uh… smarts on her. (Fatback)

Heidi Montag attempts to seize the World’s Most Disproportionate Chin award from Ashlee Simpson. (Websters)

Shia admits he has a drinking problem in Details magazine — a month before his accident. (MollyGood)

Marissa Miller has devil eyes. (Derek Hail)

Blake Lively nipple slip! (CelebNewsWire)

In case there wasn’t enough Jennifer Walcott in your day… (COED Magazine)

Kristin Kreuk chops off all her hair! (Seriously? OMG)

Finally, a bigger loser than you! (The Rad Report)

So Lindsay wasn’t hit by a motor bike after all? (Celebrity Warship)

Apollo 14 astronaut Dr. Edgar Mitchell says aliens DO exist! (Robotzilla)

I can think of two good reasons to look a pictures of Kelly Brook. (UseMyComputer)

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Although Shia LaBeouf was drunk the night of his accident, he was ultimately not responsible for the crash. TMZ says

Detectives have determined that the other driver in Shia’s bust-up Sunday morning ran a red light, and that person is responsible for the crash, not LaBeouf. “He was not at fault,” says L.A. Sheriff’s spokesman.

The spokesman went on to say, “He is also not at fault for ‘Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.’ That unfortunate incident was all George Lucas’ doing. We will consider acts of vigilante justice as ‘civic duty.’ That goes double for Episode I.”

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The three-month romance between cyclist Lance Armstrong and actress Kate Hudson is already over. According to Page Six

Sources said they tried to make it work, but the constant bickering and their travel schedules drove them apart. Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said.The couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

This doesn’t really come as a surprise. We all know who her real soul mate is. Like a moth to a flame or a Spears to a ranch dressing hose or a dog to its own vomit, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are innately drawn together by the cosmic force known as “destiny.” Not to be confused with that stripper from Scores that gave Owen the VD. That was Destinee with two e’s.

Playing tennis at Pacific Palisades earlier this month:

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Jennifer Lopez isn’t content to be known as “just another actress” — Jenny from the Block wants to score a little Academy gold, and it looks like she’s finally found the perfect vehicle to achieve her dreams. MSNBC says

Lopez has now signed on for a new film. Variety reports she’ll star in “The Governess”, the story of a thief who must pose as a nanny to three unruly children and a wealthy widower in order to pull off a heist. She later faces a tough decision when she falls in love with the single father.

She beat out some stiff competition to secure that role, too. I heard the orangutan from “Dustin Checks In” and Waitress #3 from “Weekend at Bernie’s II” both got call-backs for the part.

JLo’s 39th birthday in NY July 24th:

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Kendra Wilkinson flashes her ass on the golf course. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

California earthquake live on Judge Judy! (Ninja Dude)

Lego sushi, anyone? (Robotzilla)

Justin Timberlake claims he’s responsible for “Wine ‘Em, Dine ‘Em, 69 ‘Em.” As if! (MollyGood)

The only way Richard Simmons could look any gayer is if he were plastered with red feathers and doing jazz hands. Oh, wait… (Websters)

Come revel with me in mediocrity and societal dumbnes like swine in filth! (Pajiba)

Paula Abdul has a breakdown outside her gynecologist’s office. (CelebSlam)

Keira Knightley says “no” to computer-enhanced boobage! (The Blemish)

Demi Moore in all her topless glory. (CityRag)

Godfather vs. Dark Knight: fanboy edition. (Agent Bedhead)

David Beckham + Elmo = totally cute. (popbytes)

Mitch Winehouse hot on the trail of the mystery person who “spiked” Amy Winehouse’s drink. (Holy Moly)

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The Sun UK says today that the mystery guy in these pictures is Britney’s bodyguard/new boyfriend, a former Israeli soldier known so far only as "Lee".

A source said: “Britney and Lee hit it off immediately.  He is her perfect type. She loves guys who work out and he is in great shape from his days serving in the Israeli Army.  He also has a few tattoos, which she loves. They’ve spent so much time together that one thing led to another and their relationship became physical.  They are in Mexico together. They’ve been having a great time — Lee’s put a smile on her face.”

Eww.  The idea of banging Britney at this point is gross, I don’t care what she looks like.  The corral of retards that have already been in that is discouragement enough.   That list of guys is like something a girl would do if she hated her vagina and wanted to punish it.  She might as well just attack it with her shoe.